How Professor Not was Given His Name

The 1st January 2010 is one Professor Not remembers well, for it was the day he was given his name. As unlikely as that sounds, what is more incredible is how it happened.

It was a new year, a bank holiday, a day for most of the employees to remember they had more than work in their life. But not so for a few at a particular company in the Berkshire new town of Slough, the name of which it might be prudent not to mention. A renowned research and development facility where a young, unconstrained CEO had an approach summed up by a ‘believe in the unbelievable’ sign over this office door. To rolling eyes he had announced two months previously, the new year - in fact the new decade would start with an “Innovation Day”. Members of the public would be invited to pitch their ideas and inventions. The hope was that between the lethal plywood and baler-twine bicycle accessory and the over-engineered solutions to non-existent problems, there would be one, yes just one, bright gem for the company to exploit. But of course the real objective was to lift the confidence of the boss to a new unconquered altitudes.

At 8am sharp the security guard strolled to the front doors in that style that takes many years of night patrols to perfect. As he unlocked, he looked up to find he was face to face with a wire-haired white coated gentleman, their noses just inches apart, separated only by the glass. For a moment both were still as a patch of breath mist started growing on the outside. The brief encounter ended as the guard pushed the door open. There was now a nose shaped hole in the condensation and a guard not doing a very good job of hiding a smile. “Sorry about that Professor” he said and just in time though it better not to finish his sentence with the intended “but front doors always open outwards!”

The visitor bustled passed pulling his carrier bag up tightly to his chest as if the guard was going to snatch it away. It was a dozen steps to the reception desk, passed the display of awards and a ridiculously expensive water hated by the guard. It was always the first thing on a shift he turned off and the last to be turned on. It was the effect it had which was much worse after his flask of tea.

The visitor, still recovering and desperately resisting the urge to rub his nose, had just noticed a greater concern. An airport style baggage scanner hummed away next to security gate leading into the offices. He was extremely suspicious of these machines. Their ever-increasing sophistication meant they could harvest vital details of the invention enabling them to steal the design. His flustering was starting to rise into panic, he called this his ‘discombobulation state’. It wasn’t helped by the smirk visible in the corner of the guard’s mouth. Suddenly there was a very bright unexpected flash. “Photo for your pass Professor” explained the guard who had not been corrected on the use of this title he used before so guessed he was correct. Then adding without the normal punctuating pause that politeness expects “Full name please Professor?” This was all too much, the panic swelled up a notch into full annoyance “I…. AM…. NOT…. A.... PROFESSOR….” He had let the first mistake go but now the count was up to three! As the words came out slow and large he could see the smile evaporate from the guard’s face. Now he wasn’t laughing – no, it was a face of panic as he could see what was going to happen and his visitor didn’t. It was on the third step backwards that the collision occurred. Solid contact between a protruding elbow and a marble 2006 industry award that went spinning earthward, landing and shattering into a multitude of slip hazards just in time for the attempted completion of the fourth step.

As is often the case in these situations and confirmed by security camera footage reviewed multiple times, the next events seem to happen both very quickly and in slow motion at the same time. Already off balance, the fragments under foot were too numerous for the laws of gravity not to conclude the manoeuvre. It was all rather inevitable considering the size of the award. What was unexpected and turned the unfortunate incident into something off the top of a disaster management scenario chart, was the continued trajectory of the carrier bag. Its parabolic flight continued further backwards and straight into the CEO beloved water feature. The contents of the bag could have been a number of inventions, but the one selected was a prototype of the Watt’s Brain Enhancer (Mark 3) which now included a new high voltage electrostatic scanner. The device had not experienced submersion before and the result was both unfortunate and rather spectacular! With each flashing fizz and pop more steam rose into the air above temporally filled with brightly coloured specks as the fish were ejected from the tank before wiggling around on the wet rubble strewn floor after their short flight.

It was an hour later that all the fish were declared alive and well. It was only after this primary task that the visitor was asked politely and firmly to leave. As he did so, he was given, what he considered the final insult from the security guard - an ID badge. It has been hastily completed so, un-beknown to him, it could be included in the black list that ensured undesirables didn’t re-enter the building. They noted this was the first ever visitor to be included, all the others being dishonourably dismissed members of staff. So, on top of a clutched soggy bag, now smelling like very burnt toast, was a pass with his photo but for some called NOT A. PROFESSOR!

The scientific world was small enough for the incident to permutate alarmingly quickly and soon the name Professor Not was on most known black lists. But to him it was fame of a kind and it soon it because impossible for him to be known by any other name. He superimposed a better image on the ID pass and it is still the one he uses today - mainly because he has no other.